Sick in bed again today...I feel like I have slept 19 of the 24 hours! That is good! Still have the bad throat pain and can't talk without it being raspy. Did not work today...trying to get well!
So, I have a big thing coming up on Monday, January 7th. I am having a hysterectomy. I have fibroids in my uterus the size of grapefruits. The doctor told me that my uterus is as big as if I were 16 weeks pregnant. Yuck! This particular situation runs in my family so I was not surprised that my doctor told me this. So, as I face this procedure, I face some of my fears that always seem to come about dying...even though I am very clear about where I am going...it is still in the back of mind..."What if God isn't real?" I know this only comes from satan, but many of us who have accepted Christ as their Savior deal with this at one point or another. I am not ashamed to say that it has crossed my mind at one point or another...but I do know the truth and feel the freedom in that truth. It is that conditioned behavior that I received from birth that at one point or another, something bad will happen and I will die. This has always been my major childhood fear.
I remember our neighbors introducing us to this group of church goers. They turned out to be very extreme in their faith and even a bit cultish. I went to a "prayer meeting" with our friends and they showed these outrageous videos and basically all the bad stuff in Revelations. I was only 12 at the time and it devastated me to think that this was who God was supposed to be. After the video, they did an alter call and said that if we didn't accept God then and there it may be too late and we would end up in Hell. I sat crying while this person asked me if I wanted to accept Christ or go to Hell. Of course, I didn't want to go to Hell so I said I accepted. After the meeting, I ran all the way home crying and screaming incoherently that I didn't want any of my family to go to Hell. I was absolutely hysterical to the point that my mom had to shake me to get me to stop. I slept in my mom's arms for a few hours. When I awoke, my mom basically told me that this is what I get for going to strange places with the neighbors...so it was my fault. Can you imagine in my brain how much that messed me up???? What a devastating time in my life that was. It took me 3 weeks before I would go outside and play with any of the kids in the neighborhood again. I never stepped foot in my neighbor's house again.
That moment in time has stayed with me forever...it has shaped my relationship with my Savior and my family. I also feel a huge responsibility for anything that may not go well in my life...thinking...this is what I get...it's all my fault. It has taken hours of therapy, prayer and bible reading to change my attitude on this conditioned behavior. Wow! Talk about getting to the bottom of the pile! LOL!
Just know that God has an amazing plan for the things that happen in your life! He will use them to minister to another...I pray that your story can be told and bless others!
Del
No comments:
Post a Comment